World’s Most Hated
By: An Inmate In Alabama Department of Corrections
If you were to take a survey on who is the worst and most hated type of criminal, you would find that 95% of people see sex offenders as the most hated. Especially those against a child.
I’m not here to argue my guilt or innocence in my case. I am guilty of plenty, and I understand why the world hates me, but the world not any individual has or ever will hate me as much I have always hated myself. The only thing I will say in my defense is that I am not the Monster that the Courts/DA would like you to believe I am, and they went to great lengths lying and twisting the facts to convince the jury. I know what I did, and I know what I didn’t do, more importantly my daughter knows. I am not mad at anyone except myself because regardless of the lies, the truth is that I did do plenty that is deserving of my incarceration. Things shameful enough that many times I have contemplated suicide, but fear kept me from doing that. I know, pathetic right!
Now, I could literally write a book on my life experiences that had a psychological effect on me that led me to this point in my life, and I would like to do just that, but I don’t know if it would do any good. Would anyone read it? Why would they care? I would hope that some psychologists would be able to use the information to help parents to identify the signs of mental defects, and the cause of them, in their own children and guide them in fixing the problem.
I have spent the past 10 years in prison analyzing my life to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and how to fix it. I believe I have finally done that.
You may find it hard to believe but I do not regret coming to prison. I regret the things that happened to get me here to a point of self – hatred but (as I have told the few who love me) prison is the best thing to ever happen to me. My mom hates it when I say that, but I have to be honest. I’m not saying that I like it in prison, it is the worst experience of my entire life except for maybe school, but I have learned more about myself and life in this place than I would have ever learned on the streets. And that is worth more than any multi-billion-dollar fortune 500 corporation.
I want to stop hating myself and in the recent past I have found those old and all too familiar feelings come back to haunt me. So, I’m thinking now that the only way I will get past these feelings of shame and self-loathing is to put my story out there for people to read. Of course, there is another part of me that is afraid that it will just bring more shame and guilt on me and drive me deeper into self-hatred. Crippling fear has dominated every single decision that I have ever made in my life. so, I am tired of allowing fear to control my life. I can guarantee you that if it weren’t for the fear that has plagued me my entire life, I would not be in prison right now. That is only part of the self-realization that I have discovered here. I believe self-realization is the greatest achievement anyone can accomplish in this life next to mastery of the mind. To know oneself, what in life, who they are and what they want to do/be, is priceless. It only took me 43 years to figure it out, so I feel really lucky. The irony of it was that it took coming to prison for me to figure it out and now I don’t have the means or the freedom to pursue it.
I have made peace with the real possibility that I am gonna die in prison, but one thing that life has taught me is you have to find the bright side to every situation. I may not be able to do anything in prison to make a better future for myself or the world, but I also don’t have to do anything. I am (in a sense) on a permanent vacation. True, it is the worst vacation in the history of vacations, but hey…. who am I to complain? I have learned that true peace has nothing to do with our external conditions, it’s a state of mind, based on what you believe about yourself.
For the most part, I have found my peace, which is how I’ve been able to accept the possibility of being in prison for the rest of my life. The only thing that shakes my peace is the self-hatred I feel at times because of my failures. Especially my failure as a father to my daughter. So, my first priority is not to get out of prison, but to “try” to reconcile (as much as it may be possible) my relationship with my daughter. In 2019 I received a couple of letters from my daughter and words cannot express the joy and excitement I felt when I got the first one. In her greeting, my daughter called me by my name instead of dad. That hurts but I understand and deserve it because I brought it on myself. But she goes on (and I quote) …” I am not sure how I feel towards you, I know I don’t have any negative feelings, nor positive feelings.” Again, this is understandable. She continues “I feel angry/upset/etc. towards you, but I want to forgive you.” I feel ashamed because she has every right to be angry with me, but I also feel hopeful because she “wants” to forgive me, but that could indicate that she doesn’t forgive me because I “want” to forgive myself but have a hard time doing so. Anyway, moving on, she asked me: “do you want to see me? I would like to talk in person and ask some questions.” This makes me wonder if she knows about my situation. She was only 9 at the time of my trial. Does she even know what I was charged with? I may never know, but she makes me feel much better at the end when she tells me: “I miss having fun with you.” That lets me know she has fond memories of me which is great because I have nothing but fond memories of her. And last but not least in her closing she signs “Love” then her name. and that tells me that I might be the worlds most hated man and even hated by myself, but at least I know my baby does not hate me or see me as the monster that the Courts/DA made me out to be.
Unfortunately, the last letter I sent her was returned to sender because there was nobody at that address with that name and no forwarding address. I was told by other family members that they moved away. I have not heard from her since. I don’t know where she is or what has been told to her about me or why she can’t see me like she wanted to. All I can do is pray and hope that she will reach out to me when she has the means to do so without her mother’s consent.
Thanks for reading my story and I welcome any comments, be they positive or negative.
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